Debaucherous and Dishevelled ( now more than ever )

The Unanswerables

Perplexing questions that they will not answer in those thick, expensive baby books that fraudulently claim to tell you everything you’ll ever need to know:

1) How long can I leave my baby in a bouncy seat/other overpriced plastic infant contraption to look at Internet or have a drink or have a bite, without causing him any degree of loneliness/long term trauma? 5 minutes? An hour?

2) Is it OK to stumble to pick up naked when he groans plaintively in the night? Because I like to sleep naked. But I do not want to traumatize my baby with images of a surgery scarred belly.

3) How sensitive is his wee unit? How vigorously can I clean underneath his little sack? I don’t want to hurt him, but this being responsible for sensitively cleaning parts I’ve never had is pretty dubious at times.

4) Why do people scramble out of the way of a pregnant woman to hold the door/stub their cigarette/smile encouragingly, yet completely ignore a terrified-looking lady with a carriage/diaper bag/screaming giant baby attempting to get groceries ?

5) How come, every time I begin to think…I know his sleep schedule, his cries, what makes him happy….he completely changes his mind and does the opposite? Solely to make me insane? Or are there other dubious reasons as well?